I want to be really really honest, with you and to myself. I had not been feeling well for the past weeks, especially during my last week in Alinguigan. I thought it was just because I stayed in my first area for 9 months and so I thought I was just anxious for a change. But when I got transferred, nothing really change.
Moroni was right when he said that on the judgment day "he that is happy shall be happy still; and he that is unhappy shall be unhappy still". One cannot say that in the judgment day, when we will see Christ in the flesh, we will become a "new person" or in other words "become better" than when we were while living on earth.
The same with missionary life. The problem is not in what's happening around us. It's just within us.
For the past weeks, I was trying to fight all the negative feelings I have inside, doing some positive thinking that "all is well" until Sunday, I finally bursted into tears.
I am at this point that I feel like a new missionary again. Overwhelmed with a new area, and my new calling.
Forgive me for this letter. I am sorry.
Lunes, Hulyo 20, 2015
Soooooo your email made me cry. I love you Papang, Mamang, Elaine, Mary Flor, and Lowla... The past two weeks have been hard for me. I do not know why, maybe because I stayed too long in my first area, and then exicted but anxious for a change.
Tuesday, last day in my area.. I was silent for most of the time of the day. I felt sorry for my anak, kasi she has to deal with a "nagmamaktol na nanay"... I am grateful for Sister Maroket.. She has always been patient and loving to me. She loves me unconditionally.
I visited some of the people I have loved in my area. And guess what, Nanay Ramel,,, (one of the active nanays in the ward who feeds us always and every time we pass by their house) gave me and my companion 500 pesos because she had the feeling that we have no money left. Embarrassing it was, but we accepted it, because we ran out of money na talaga.. Hahaha. So grateful!
And then I was about to teach and visit Genalyn Mateo.. one of our recent converts.. but she was not there. And then, her Tatay said "Sabi ko na nga ba sa kanya dadaan kayo sister".. then he asked their bunsong anak to get the more than a kilo of avocado they picked from their tree, and gave it to me! It melted my heart so much. I want to see them again after my mission. They are humble and generous family. :) I love them with all my heart.
And.. my last visit to the Morales Family. I do not know how to tell you how it went. But I've never seen Nanay Virigina and the Morales children cried so hard as they did that night. They are special to my heart.
I am now in Tuguegarao 2nd ward.. My companion is Sister Elivera. She's my housemate for 3 cycles in my first area so we've known each other before.. She's training me. Because I am newly called as Sister Training Leader of two zones (Tugue South and Tugue North)... Excited and anxious and excited.
This coming wednesday, we'll be having New Leaders Training .. so I am excited to receive another training from our beloved mission president.
I am fat. And ugly. But I will do my best to look prettier (and ahem) more beautiful when I get home. Wahahah.
Love and prayers,
Lunes, Hulyo 13, 2015
So… We’ve already received the transfer list. And I do not know what I am feeling right now. It's like, I am sad and happy. Sad and grateful. Sad and excited. Don't know how to describe that, but I feel peace.
I'm sad to leave those I have learned to love with all my heart, but I am happy because I know I've loved them with all my heart. And that's okay, because I'm going to take my heart with me... and they will always be in my dum dudum-dumdumdumdum dum heart.
I'm sad I will not be able to attend Jeraldine's baptism on Saturday, but I am grateful she will be baptized, with or without me. I will never forget how Sister Maroket and I were led to their house at the very last hour of our "all-punted day".
I'm sad I will not be with Sister Maroket 24 hours by Wednesday, but I am excited to leave her for each of us needs growth. We've been so much comfortable with each other, so I am excited to expand our own comfort zones. She's kind, loving, humble, and teachable.
Before I thought she was ideal. But I was wrong. She's not ideal. She's perfect!!!
Nanay Virginia (wife of Tatay George) who goes to church but never committed to baptismal date.. the less-actives who loves to be visited and taught but not been consistent in attending church. The recent converts, the members, everyone in this area... will be in good and tender hands of Sister Maroket.
Looking back, and looking forward. Can't believe I feel so much peace.
Looking back, and looking forward. I soooooo love being a missionary!
Lunes, Hulyo 6, 2015
So June has been a wonderful month for me as a missionary. I have learned a lot. Before my mission, I always cringe every time I hear the word "repent".. It's like too heavy and too scary and too hard to bear to hear the word "repent".
But this month, it has become one of my favorite words: Repent and Repentance.
During the month of June, our apartment had a problem with water. There were days we had no water for us to wash our clothes, dishes, take a bath, even drink! And because of that, I have come to appreciate the "water pump" outside our apartment where we could get water for our bathe and washing our dishes.
I just thought that my life without the Atonement of Jesus Christ feels like an apartment without that "water pump" -- I feel dirty and disgusting after the whole day of dirt and sweat. Life is messy, with all the used dishes and bathroom ... you want to clean, but there's no water to clean. You want to feel clean, BUT YOU JUST CANT.
What if Christ didn't suffer for me? I would feel disgusted with myself forever just as how I felt sad and terrible every time I act less than what the Lord expected me to be -- every time I get impatient, every time my mind wanders, every time I think of something not in line with my purpose. Every time I fall short.
I repent. I repent. I just want to repent. I want water. I need water. Please tell me where to get that water. I want to feel fresh, to feel new. I want to be clean. I need to be clean. That's how I felt every time!
Grateful to have that water pump .
Grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ -- for giving me that chance to repent and changed for the better.
I have come to realized that repentance is anything we do that helps us come closer to Christ. Stop doing things that are wrong, do things that are right. When one strives to be more focused and diligent, he is repenting. We repent everytime we strive to overcome every sin and bring all into subjection to the law of Christ.
I got only 9 months left, and I should repent and repent daily. Every minute if necessary.
I do not know who said it but this general authority asked: " Who is righteous? Anyone who repents is righteous. A wicked man, no matter how wicked he has been, if he repents then he is righteous. A good man, no matter how good he has been, if he doesn't repent -- then he is a wicked man."
Repentance -- such a beautiful word. I feel peace not cringe everytime I hear it.
It is a positive experience that brings joy and peace. (PMG, 8)
Grateful to have my anak, Sister Maroket who led every phase of the work this week. She's perfect. She's a gift to me. She has made my mission a wonderful experience. She gave me that boost to start my next half of my mission. She's wonderful. She tries, perseveres, and helps me do the same at my own pace. She tries to be better everyday. She perseveres, and she has improved everyday (in fact, she could train, if called upon, next cycle.. No bias! I am telling the truth)
And she allows me to try, to persevere, as she forgives me every time I get impatient. I love her, heart and soul.
I am the luckiest trainer in the whole world.
I love being a missionary!